


Hexanna, Dofty and The Lift of Doom

by TanithPanic



Category: Casualty (TV), Holby City
Genre: Multi, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-07-18 20:40:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16126316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TanithPanic/pseuds/TanithPanic
Summary: To make it up to the fans who were so upset about what happened to Roxanna in last week's episode here's a musical version - but how will it end?  Music stolen from... ooh just about everywhere!





	1. Chapter 1

HEXANNA, DOFTY AND THE LIFT OF DOOM

I’ve checked the terms and conditions here but can’t see anything about not writing something in a script form so fingers crossed! This is a musical version of what might have happened if Roxanna had been saved from the evil Gaskell… but does it spell bad news for Dofty? Music stolen from, oh, almost everywhere! In this story, the shooting never happened and Fredrik is safely in Sweden behaving himself. Raf’s alive, Jasmine was never killed by a scalpel and Morven and Damon are still there. But, just to leave the field clear for Hexanna, David never existed.)

This first bit is very short as it’s only the Prologue. More next time.

PROLOGUE  
OUTSIDE HOLBY GENERAL HOSPITAL

(Morven is wearing a glamorous red sequinned dress and has a top hat and cane as she introduces the story. The tune is “Only For You” from “Love Never Dies.”)

MORVEN: Welcome, each and every one  
To two hours or so of fun,  
And a break to use the loo.  
We’ve a story to unfold,  
You’ll turn hot, then you’ll turn cold,  
And it’s only for you!

It’s a terrifying tale  
Of a mean and vicious male  
And the dreadful things he’ll do.  
There’s a bold and clever Swede,  
Who’ll pray he will not succeed,  
And it’s only for you!

If it’s terror and suspense that   
You’ve come here to see tonight  
Then you’ll go home well content without a doubt.  
Are you brave enough to see a shocking devastating   
Sight?  
(We have first aid pros in case you should pass out.)  
Do you like to see young lovers, tender passionate  
And gay?  
If you’re homophobic, leave before this starts!  
Are you terrified of ghosts? There’s one scene sure   
To turn you grey!  
Thunder, lightening, this gets frightening  
It gets scary, please be wary,  
But you’ll leave with a warm feeling in your hearts.

A star turn from Dylan Keogh,  
We’ve allowed him on this show,  
‘Cause we know you love him, too.  
Now it’s time to start at last,  
Shut your racket, meet the cast,  
This show’s only for you!

(She does a wonderful high-kicking routine and goes into the hospital through the staff entrance. Damon, who’s been hiding behind a tree, comes out and sings wisfully to this little number from Oklahoma:)

DAMON: Oh what a beautiful Morven!  
Oh what a beautiful lass!  
I’ve got a horrible feeling  
She’ll soon be kicking my-!

END OF PROLOGUE


	2. Act One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everybody for the Kudos. Sorry for the dreadful old tunes. They will get better. Trust me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of adult dialogue here but I don't think it's anything too shocking.

ACT ONE

(I’m not including a cast list as I’ve left people off it in the past.)

SCENE ONE  
RECEPTION, HOLBY GENERAL HOSPITAL

(Frieda walks though, accompanied by a group of lovesick medical students, male and female. They sing to her to the tune of an old fifties song called Willie Can by either Alma Cogan or Sue Thompson. I prefer Sue’s version because there isn’t that stupid deep voice.)

STUDENTS: Frieda, can you dance, can you dance, hey Frieda?  
Frieda, can you climb a tree?  
Frieda, do you like hot stuff, hey Frieda?  
STUDENT: Frieda, will you come to bed with me?  
(Frieda punches him.)  
STUDENTS: Frieda, can you do a pneumothorax,  
Frieda, can you fight a bear?  
Frieda, can you ride a bucking bronco?  
Frieda, can you braid our hair?

Frieda, can you do the things we ask you,  
Frieda, can you do them, true?  
FRIEDA: Frieda could, Frieda could, Frieda could, you losers-  
But Frieda doesn’t fancy you!

(She crosses the room to where Dom is sulking at his computer.)  
FRIEDA: Oh my little sulky-chops, what’s wrong?  
DOM: I’ve got to show a new nurse round today. His name’s Ben Chiltern. He’s going to be boring and stupid. They always send me the boring and stupid ones.  
FRIEDA: (Patting his cheek far too hard.) Awwwww.  
(Suddenly everyone’s attention is turned to the flamboyant and quite frankly, conceited Consultant, Matteo Rossini, who struts in and sings – sorry, this is another song that is older than I am and it’s pretty corny, Poppa Piccolino by Diana Dekker. Try to bear with it for a few minutes to get the feel of the tune, anyway!)  
MATTEO: Who is as tasty as a freshly-baked Panini?  
Matteo Rossini! Matteo Rossini!  
Who has fantastic hair and never needs a Beanie?  
Matteo Rossini, the stud from Italy!  
(In comes the other consultant, Guy Self, who loathes Matteo and sings to the same tune:)  
GUY: Who has a face just like a smashed-up Lamborghini?  
Matteo Rossini! Matteo Rossini!  
Who flashed in Holby Park and scared my Auntie   
Jeannie?  
Matteo Rossini, the g*t from Italy!

Who’s as attractive as a Moose in a bikini?  
Matteo Rossini! Matteo Rossini!  
Who thinks he’s sexy but his naughty bits are teeny?  
Matteo Rossini-

(Matteo grabs him, pushes him to the ground and starts bashing his head on the floor repeatedly. Suddenly the CEO, Henrik Hanssen, strides in and pulls them both to their feet, shaking them angrily.)  
HANSSEN: I shall not tolerate violence in this hospital. You’re both fired. Your final pay will be sent on to you.  
(Guy and Matteo sing - I think you’ll all know the tune.)

GUY: He had it coming.  
MATTEO: He had it coming.  
BOTH: He only had himself to blame.  
If you’d have heen here,  
If you’d have heard him,  
I tell you, you would have done the same!

 

HANSSEN: (Bawling.) SILENCE! Leave this hospital immediately and don’t stuff your pockets with chocolate from the gift shop like the last person I fired did. Goodbye!  
(Matteo and Guy stalk out.)  
HANSSEN: (Cheerfully.) Dom, about your nurse-  
DOM: He’s late, the lazy little slut.  
HANSSEN: He’s actually performing CPR on a patient in the lift. He’s very good.  
DOM: I hate him already.  
HANSSEN: Well you just be nice to him. I’ve had enough of squabbling in this hospital. We’ll be getting a Director of Medicine next week. His name’s John Gaskell-  
(Scary horror-type music plays.)  
HANSSEN: We’re also getting a lovely and talented Consultant Neurosurgeon called Roxanna McMillan.  
(Beautiful violin music plays.)  
HANSSEN: It’s about time that harmony was restored in this hospital.  
(He goes out. Sacha Levy, the Consultant General Surgeon, shows in a young man with a kind smile and curly hair.)  
SACHA: Dom, this is Ben Chiltern, your new nurse.  
DOM: (Nastily.) Does anybody still have curly hair in this century?  
(Ben looks crushed.)

END OF SCENE ONE


	3. SCENE TWO, THREE AND FOUR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this storyline's getting more crazy by the minute!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the much-appreciated chaos. And the plot gets wilder. Warning: Potentially violent fight.

SCENE TWO  
THE ROOF GARDEN, TWO WEEKS LATER

(Dom is confiding to Zosia who is trying to be sympathetic but is puzzled by his attitude.)  
ZOSIA: I don’t get it, Dom. Lofty’s kind and generous and friendly. Why can’t you get on with him?  
DOM: He just gets on my nerves. He never complains. He never argues. He’s probably a robot.  
(He sings to the tune of “Everybody Loves You Now.”)  
DOM: Ever since that bl**dy Lofty came,  
Everybody likes to sing his praise.  
It he gets stuff wrong, then there’s no blame.  
Sacha fell in love with him in days!  
And I just can’t abide the guy nohow,  
But everybody loves him now.

Doesn’t he turn off that soppy smile?  
Can’t he cut those floppy little curls?  
Can’t he throw a strop once in a while?  
Why must be get on with boys and girls?  
And I just want to stab the little cow,  
But everybody loves him now!

(An attractive lady of a certain age comes through the garden and smiles tat them.)  
LADY: Hello, I’m looking for the Hospital CEO’s office. I believe Mr Hanssen’s waiting for me. My name’s Roxanna Macmillan.  
(The violin music plays again. Dom leaps to his feet.)  
DOM: Welcome to Holby! I’ll be pleased to take you! (Aside to Zosia.) This is one job that Saint Benjamin Lofty Chiltern won’t get!  
(He almost skips off with Roxanna, who understandably looks a little puzzled. Guy Self comes stalking through the garden.)  
ZOSIA: Dad! You’re not allowed in the hospital any more.  
GUY: Last time I looked these were the hospital grounds. I’ve come to tell you I expect to be arrested by tomorrow morning. I’m having a fight on the very steep and dangerous viaduct near the hospital tonight with Matteo Rossini. I expect to kill him and be arrested for it so I just wanted to warn you in advance.  
ZOSIA: Dad this is a dreadful idea.  
(Guy sings to the tune of Eye Of The Tiger.)

GUY: I’ll meet Tossini on the bridge,  
Plot my moves, take my chances,  
He’ll go down but I shall stay on my feet,  
For your dad has a will to survive  
I might not be young or toned up or fast  
But I’ll change my anger for glory.  
I’ll mangle that mad Italian at last,  
I must fight just to keep pride alive.

Daddy Guy is a tiger  
And he’ll not lose this fight,  
I will spifflicate my ugly rival.  
I shall be the survivor  
And he’ll perish tonight.  
I’ll watch that smarmy fool with the eye of the tiger.  
(He struts off. Zosia looks worried. Then:)

ZOSIA: Oh, he’s all talk!  
DOM: Well I’d better go and find something to shout at Curl Boy for. I wonder how Roxanna’s getting on with Hanssen?

SCENE THREE  
HANSSEN’S OFFICE  
(Hanssen is showing Roxanna out of his office.)  
HANSSEN: I’m very sorry that I can’t take you to Pulses myself but I have a meeting very shortly. But don’t hesitate to come to me if you have ANY problems at all. No matter how trivial they seem.  
ROXANNA: You’re very kind.  
HANSSEN: Not at all.  
(Roxanna goes out. Hanssen waits a while then whoops.)  
HANSSEN: Oh what I could do for this woman!  
(He sings. Sorry this is another old one. This is I Could Be So Good For You by Dennis Waterman.)

HANSSEN: If you want to, I'll change the situation  
Once we get out of this hospital location  
I've got a good idea, just you keep me near  
I'd be so good for you.

I could be so good for you,  
Hell, I’d even clean your loo.  
Bet that’s sweet and fragrant too  
I’d be so good for you.  
If you really want, my dear,  
How I could boost your career!  
I would jump off Wigan Pier  
If you should ask me to!

If a patient makes you feel degraded,  
Call on me, don’t go through all that grief unaided.  
I’m not just talking, it’s the real deal,  
If someone hurts you I will help you heal.  
I’ll be so good for you.

I could be so good for you,  
I’d roll in the mud for you.  
Stand the sight of blood for you,  
I’d be so good for you.

(He dances wildly round the office. Then the phone rings.)  
HANSSEN: (In a perfectly controlled voice.) Hanssen.

END OF SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR  
THE TALL, HIGH VIADUCT, MIDNIGHT

(Guy and Matteo are fighting on the edge of the viaduct, the reckless fools.)  
MATTEO: You call me Tossini again, Guy Selfish, and I will toss you off this   
viaduct.  
(They sing, to part of “Devil Take The Hindmost” from Love Never Dies:)

GUY: Give right up! Move back home!  
You’re a swine! You’re a thug!  
Now we fight. One shall die.  
Devil take Italians!

MATTEO: Shut your mouth! Back away!  
I can punch! I can kick!  
I can fight! I can bite!  
Devil take you, Selfie!  
(They fight.)

BOTH: What a slob! What a wreck!  
What a fool! Pitiful!  
Open wide! Eat my fist!  
Devil take the Hindmost!

(Matteo gets Guy in a headlock. They both struggle – and both lose their  
Footing, falling screaming to the depths below.)

END OF SCENE FOUR


	4. SCENES FIVE, SIX AND SEVEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just to mention that although the scenes between Guy and Matteo look somewhat random at the moment, they do have a purpose which will be revealed later on.
> 
> A threat to an animal occurs in the next few scences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tnanks for all the Kudos! As mentioned above, there's a threat to an animal in these scenes but it's just a threat.

SCENE FIVE  
AT THE FOOT OF THE VIADUCT, IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS

(Matteo and Guy sit at the foot of the viaduct, looking stunned but unhurt.)  
MATTEO: We should have been killed or at least horribly injured. I haven’t even bruised my toe. You?  
GUY: (In a very shaky voice.) Nothing.  
MATTEO: This is uncanny.  
GUY: Let’s agree to tell nobody about this. Ever.  
(They sing uneasily to Devil Take The Hindmost.)  
MATTEO: This is bad-  
GUY: This is warped-  
MATTEO: I’m afraid-  
GUY: I’m a wreck!  
MATTEO: We both need-  
GUY: - A stiff drink!  
BOTH: Devil take that viaduct!

(They run off uneasily.)

SCENE SIX  
THE ROOF GARDEN

(Dylan has come to see Lofty while on his lunch break. He has Dervla with him. Hooray! Morven and Damon come over.)  
MORVEN: Dylan! Lovely to see you again! How have you been?  
DYLAN: Good, thank you. I think my life’s improved ever since I got Dervla.  
(He sings to the tune of A Town Like Malice.)

DYLAN: I had to stop dreaming of the quiet life  
When I got this hairy hound.  
She’s made my life much happier though  
She’s run me into the ground.  
The bratty little diva has to have her grub on time.  
Yes time is short but life’s more fun  
And much happier since I got  
This dog called Dervla.

(And, thanks to clever camera work and live action filming, DERVLA SINGS! Thanks to Ariana Grande here who kindly nipped in to do the voice-over on her way to Bingo:)

DERVLA: Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff,  
Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff.  
Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff,  
Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff.  
DYLAN: A dog called Dervla!

(Damon and Morven pet Dervla while Dylan does an energetic dance. Then a sinister stranger appears and we all know who that is, don’t we? No, not Craig Revel Horwood! The sinister Gaskell himself. Spooky music plays.)  
GASKELL: Where can I find Henrik Hanssen?  
DYLAN: Excuse me, you’ve just interrupted my dog and I doing our show-stopping performance.  
GASKELL: (Pulling a face.) Yes, I heard you. If I was you, I’d take that scabby dog to the canal, put a brick round her neck, shove her in and walk away.  
(Damon has to hold Dylan back.)  
MORVEN: (Hastily.) Come with me, Sir, I’ll show you where you can find Mr Hanssen. What’s your name by the way?  
GASKELL: John Gaskell. One day I’ll be famous.  
(Morven and Damon usher Gaskell away. Dylan is still furious. I used the following song in my original Holby The Musical, but if recycling songs from musicals is good enough for Andrew Lloyd-Webber, it’s good enough for me. This is I Will Never Let You Down:)

DYLAN: I’ll tell you, Dervla, what I’m going to do,  
I’m going to kick that Gaskell’s butt for you  
And I’m reporting him to Hanssen, too.  
Sit in this sun and let it shine on you.

Cause you’ve been good and lovely all week  
And hey, you’ve done just fine.  
I’ll take you for a special long walk  
And give you a good time. Hey!  
I’ll get you a nice meal,  
As a pet you’re just ideal.

Never mind that evil man,  
I’d not sink to such a plan,  
Dervie, I will never let you down!  
Next time he comes sniffing, dear,  
Sink your teeth into his rear,  
Dervie, I will never let you down!  
DERVLA! I will never let you drown!

END OF SCENE SIX

SCENE SEVEN  
THE CORRIDOR, OUTSIDE HANSSEN’S OFFICE

(As Gaskell waits for his appointment he reveals a few more ugly facts about himself. This is an old song again called Shine, and you can find versions by Django Reinhardt and Janet Klein on You Tube. Janet’s version is very corny, bless her!)  
GASKELL: Cause my brain is rotten,  
Cause I’m always plottin’,  
Cause I get menials the sack,  
And I stab colleagues in the back,  
Cause I’m always vicious,  
And I step out of line, oh yeah,  
Cause I hide in nook and cranny,  
Just because I’d punch a granny,  
That’s why they call me swine!  
(He does a rather sinister dance until thank goodness, Hanssen comes out to get him.)  
HANSSEN: Professor Gaskell? Please come this way.

END OF SCENE SEVEN


	5. SCENES EIGHT AND NINE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thanks for the Kudos. As you might have guessed now, i'm deviating (ooh!) a lot from the actual Holby storyline but I still hope you like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've tried to come more into this century with the music this time!

SCENE EIGHT  
KELLER WARD

(Meanwhile, Ben, aka Lofty, is doing his best not to upset Dom any more but he is about to be severely tested as Stephen wheels Granny Chiltern on to the ward. She sings:)

GRANNY: Tonight, I am not staying on this ward,   
I feel alive.  
And this ward, I’ll turn it inside out  
If you don’t set me free-  
So don’t keep me here, don’t keep me,  
Cause I’m after a good time, after a good time!

Try and keep me in one of those beds and I’ll fight  
Like a tiger  
Defying the laws of sanity,  
I’ll whip off all my clothes and strut around  
Like Lady Godiva!  
So let me go, go, go..

You’re not keeping me!  
I’ll punch you in the eye,  
Set fire to your ward,  
That’s why they call me Granny Fahrenheit,  
Release me at the speed of light.  
Or I’ll make mincemeat of the lot of you.  
Don’t keep me now!  
I want to go out dancing and have me a ball,  
Don’t keep me now!  
(Saucily to Sacha.) If you wanna have a good time, just give me a call.  
I’m out for a good time   
And I’m not staying here at all!  
DOM: (Coming over with Lofty in tow.) Now Sheilagh, you’ve had a mini stroke.  
LOFTY: GRAN?  
DOM: Who asked for your input, Chiltern?  
SHEILAGH: (Noticing Lofty.) Piglet!  
DOM: (Sniggering.) You call him Piglet? He’s a bit skinny for a piglet.  
LOFTY: Gran, darling, what happened?  
DOM: You just get on with your job and don’t answer back.  
SHEILAGH: Now then, gorgeous, you give my boy a break here.  
DOM: (Mollified by the ‘gorgeous’.) He’s a pain in the butt, Sheilagh. He’s one of the worst trainees I’ve ever had.  
LOFTY: I’ve done everything you’ve told me!  
SACHA: Keep it together on the ward, you two.  
DOM: Now you’ve got me into trouble, you little bitch, sorry, snitch.  
SACHA: Give him a break, Dominic. His heart’s in the right place.  
DOM: Yeah, for a quick bullet!  
(Sheilagh seems more amused than concerned at this.)  
SACHA: Ben, this lady’s in safe hands. She’s had a mini stroke but she’ll be looked after here. Just do whatever Dom wants and we’ll all be fine, okay? Now, Sheilagh, where do you know Ben from?  
SHEILAGH: I’m his grandmother.  
SACHA: Well, strictly speaking-  
(The theme from Strictly plays and Craig Revel Horwood dances across the ward. I will do ANYTHING to get audience attention! But on with the plot:)  
SACHA: You shouldn’t be treating a relative. But as she needs an injection very fast, I’ll let you do it and then Donna must take over when she’s back from her break.  
(Lofty’s hands are shaking because of his concern for Sheilagh. He picks up a needle and breaks it. Dom glares at him. Donna hurries over to finish the job and Dom pulls Lofty into the corridor, singing to him – this is Wild In the Country by Bow Wow Wow. Silly name but great song.)

DOM: You’re so stupid, you ought to be put down.  
I don’t like you, I want you out of town.  
I don’t like you, you act just like a clown,  
I don’t want to train you, get out of town!

You’re so hard to train,  
You mess up injections, you lose your notes,  
You get in my way!  
You’re such a pain,  
Be off and get on a train.

I want you gone, right?  
I’m sick to the back teeth  
Of all the times this week you’ve given me grief.

I don’t like you, you’ll never find renown,  
I won’t train you! Get out of this town!  
LOFTY: (Speaking.) It’s a city!  
(Dom shakes Lofty so his curls flutter all over the place and continues:)

DOM: You would do better-  
You would do better-  
Hugging all the trees,  
Dancing in the breeze.   
No second chance or pity,  
Get out of Holby City!

Get out and go wild, go wild in the country,  
Where stuff you can wreck  
Comes absolutely free!  
Go wild! Go wild! Go wild in the country!  
Where even a twerp  
Like you can’t fuse a tree!

CHORUS OF TRAINEES:  
He says you’re to go, go wild, etc.

(Lofty gives his Gran a sad little kiss and leaves.)  
SACHA: (Cheerfully.) Don’t mind me, I’m only in charge here.  
SHEILAGH: (Whispering to Dom.) I know your trouble, you silly, silly boy!

TRAINEES: We’re going to go wild, go wild down at Albie’s,  
The staff buys our drinks, they’re absolutely free,  
Go wild, go wild, go wild down at Albie’s  
We’ll get off our faces from one till half past three.

(Dom stalks out.)

END OF SCENE EIGHT

SCENE NINE  
HANSSEN’S OFFICE, LATER

(Hopefully this scene is one most people have been waiting for. Hanssen is talking to Roxanna who sits across from him.)  
HANSSEN: … And what do you think of Gaskell?  
ROXANNA: Brilliant but very rude. He’s upset Dr Keogh already.  
HANSSEN: Everybody upsets Dr Keogh. Dr Keogh upsets Doctor Keogh. But that’s not really what I wanted to talk to you about. Roxanna – do you like to dance? I know the perfect place. Dinner and dancing tonight?  
(He sings to Olly Murs’ Dance With Me Tonight.)

HANSSEN: My name is Henrik, nice to meet you, I can tell you, Roxy,  
In this hospital there are so many pretty ladies  
But none like you, you shine so bright.  
I was wondering if you and I could go for dinner,  
I’m a bad lad but I think you could tame this sinner  
I won’t give up without a fight.  
Oh! Foxy Roxy! I just want you to dance with me tonight.  
Oh! Foxy Roxy! We could strut our stuff till morning   
Light.

When you walked in here, sitting looking so cool and so   
Gorgeous, I knew that I could care,  
Let’s get a cab, the night’s so fine,  
And we can dance the whole damn time, 

Oh, Foxy Roxy, I just want you to dance with me tonight.

(She glares at him. He backs away, sadly. Then she starts laughing and sings:)

ROXANNA: Ohhh! Handsome Hanssen!  
I just want you to dance with me tonight!  
Ohhhh! Handsome Hanssen,  
We can get it on till morning light!

(They dance together, laughing. Gaskell walks in.)  
HANSSEN: Gasky-baby, you’re in charge for the rest of the afternoon. Don’t sack anybody, even that rascally Xavier Duval, just give me names in the morning.  
ROXANNA: See you tomorrow, Professor Gaskell.  
(They go out laughing together. Gaskell looks furious and sings to “Stars” from Les Miserables.)

GASKELL: Out there, out in the darkness,  
Soon they’ll be dancing and up to no good.  
And that’s made me angry,  
I wanted to date her,  
And rage heats my blood.

Those two might dance in the dark  
But mine is the way of the snake,  
Those who follow the path of pure evil  
Don’t make a mistake.  
And if I have to take people’s lives,  
Oh well, tough break.

Oh, I’ll disgrace Hanssen.  
Make sure he ends up  
Safe behind bars!  
And I will never rest,  
This I swear by the stars!

(He kicks a chair over petulantly.)

END OF SCENE NINE


	6. SCENES TEN AND ELEVEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't really think I need to tell people that this story is not meant to be taken seriously in any way, which will cover me for all the illogical things that come next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Some rather naughty jokes included in the dialogue for the next scene. Thanks for all the Kudos. Very much appreciated!

END OF SCENE NINE

SCENE TEN  
HOLBY STATION

(Lofty sits waiting for a train out of the city. He sings miserably to “One of Us”:) 

LOFTY: What did I do, just why do you despise me?  
Was it because I did a lot of things unwisely?  
I loved the job, although it wasn’t easy,  
Then you dealt me the blow,  
And said I had to go,  
How you’ve hurt me you will never know.

One of us is lonely, one of us is only  
Feeling pain and dread,  
Staring at the train board,  
Wishing I could bloody drop down dead.  
Waiting by the grating, wailing by the railing,  
Halfway up the wall,  
Sorry for myself, feeling stupid, feeling small.  
Wishing that we’d never met at all,  
Never met at all.

(An announcement for the train comes on the tannoy.)  
VOICE: We regret to inform you that the fourteen fifteen train to Lands’ End is delayed by five hours and three minutes. The rail information offices are both closed so don’t come whining to use for refunds. Start walking, losers.  
(Lofty buries his face in his hands. Dom creeps up on him and digs him in the ribs. Lofty looks up.)  
LOFTY: I didn’t take anything that didn’t belong to me so don’t try that one.  
DOM: Ben…. Lofty… I want you to forgive me and come back to work. You’re not fired. Sacha says we can go to Albie’s first to talk things through but please come back.  
LOFTY: But you hate me.  
DOM: I don’t. I …. I fancied you but I was scared I’d made a mistake and … I handle rejection really badly.  
LOFTY: But I’ve only been there a couple of days.  
DOM: Benjamin, sweetheart, this is Holby City!  
LOFTY: And supposing I’m not gay?  
DOM: Your granny says you are.  
LOFTY: Well, the little snitch. She’s wrong… I’m bisexual.  
DOM: I once wrote a song called “I went to bisexual but the shop was shut.”  
(Lofty keeps a poker face.)  
DOM: I wrote another one called “I went to the sperm bank but the cashpoint won’t work.”  
(Lofty can’t resist a little giggle.)  
DOM: Aww, come on. Come back. Everybody likes you. Sacha likes you. Essie likes you. Jac would like you if she was in the habit of liking people. And you like you, don’t you?  
LOFTY: (Pulling a face at him.) More than I like you. But I need a job and it will be nice to have my old flat back if it’s not been let while I’ve been gone. Okay.  
(Dom scoops him up in bear hug.)  
MISERABLE MAN ON BENCH: Bloody gays.  
DOM: Your train’s not coming EVER. Come on, Ben!  
LOFTY: You do promise to cut me some slack at work though don’t you?  
(Dom sings to Carry You Home by Ward Thomas:)

DOM: When Jac Naylor starts to nag,  
And your life feels such a drag,  
When there’s no-one there to scrag*,  
Call me.  
When a patient breaks your nose,  
When Derv Dog pees on your toes,  
When your soul is full of woes,  
Call me!

And I’ll be there to carry you home  
When you’re lonely and you’re broke,  
And I’ll be there to help you get through  
When your life’s an ugly joke  
Call me!  
(They sing to each other.)  
BOTH: And I’ll be there to carry you home, etc.

(They leave the station carrying Lofty’s shabby holdall between them.)  
VOICE OVER TANNOY: The train to Land’s End is now approaching because we were just having a joke. There are seats for everybody apart from that homophobic guy on the bench opposite the gent’s toilets.  
HOMOPHOBIC GUY: (Whipping off his disguise and revealing himself as – you’ve guessed it – Gaskell.)  
GASKELL: So that young fool’s coming back to the hospital. Good, because I need as many scapegoats as I can for my evil plan. HA! HA! HA!  
(Thunder and lightning flash at the same time. What do you mean, this is getting too like a panto? Utter nonsense, and to prove it, four Scape Goats in tutus dance across the station.)

END OF SCENE TEN  
*I don't quite know what scrag means but it seemed wonderfully threatening in all those comics I read as a child.

SCENE ELEVEN  
ALBIE’S LATER THAT EVENING

(Just to remind everybody that this is the AU version so Raf and Jasmine are alive, though Raf isn’t with Essie. And to prove it, Essie is having a drink with Gaskell.)  
GASKELL: So, Esmeralda-  
ESSIE: (Gigging.) It’s Estelle.  
GASKELL: My bad. Now, tell me all about your lovely self. Single? Relatives? Children? Any funds in the bank?  
ESSIE: (Who has already had three gins and a pint.) Oh you naughty man, that’s very nosey. But I’ll tell you. I have sixty thousand pounds in Santander. Do you want to know the bank account and sort code?  
GASKELL: Hush, Essie. I don’t want you to be robbed by bad and unscrupulous people. But write it me down on this piece of paper.  
(Essie scribbles away and then slides under the seat, blissfully off her face. Gaskell pockets the information just as Sacha comes over.)  
SACHA: Everything okay here?  
GASKELL: Essie’s just passed out after too much alcohol consumption but apart from that everything’s hunky dory, whatever that might mean.  
SACHA: Poor Essie. I shall whip her home in an Uber at once.  
(He picks Essie up and carries her out. Gaskell sings mockingly to ‘I’m Martin Guerre’:)

GASKELL: Look! I’m Santander!  
Who can I rob? Give me the job!  
I will be there.  
(He changes to “You Can Get Away With Anything”:)

GASKELL: I can get away with anything,   
It’s easy as can be,  
Steal a dumb blonde’s bank account,  
Or find porn on TV.  
So hardly anybody likes me?  
Well who needs buddies when you’re rich?  
And I can get away with anything,  
Because I’m such a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch-  
AAAAAAAAAAA bitch!  
(The barman puts him out by the scruff of the neck.)  
GASKELL: (As they go.) You will pay for this in tears and blood.

END OF SCENE ELEVEN

END OF ACT ONE


	7. ACT TWO SCENES ONE AND TWO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gas Kill's evil grows. Can nobody stop him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments, I hope people dont mind the silliness here, I just thought a comic version might make a few people smile. Some comedy violence.

ACT TWO  
SCENE ONE  
MEENA AND NIKKI’S FLAT NEXT DAY

(Meena and Nikki are having a fight. Not just an argument – a fight. Nikki is throwing crockery at Meena who’s dodging it. They sing to “Bitchin’ in the Kitchen’ which, out of interest, comes from Shock Treatment, the follow-up to the Rocky Horror Show.)

NIKKI: Meena, why aren’t you cleaner?  
MEENA: Nikki, don’t take your bad mood out on me.  
BOTH: Honey, this isn’t funny,  
We’re always bitchin’ in the kitchen in the morning   
And again in the night.

MEENA: Nikki, you left the saucepans sticky!  
NIKKI: Meena, you’re wearing panties that belong to me!  
BOTH: You trollop! I ought to give you a good wallop.  
I’m sick of bitchin’ in the kitchen in the morning  
And again in the night.

MEENA: You harlot! You ate my Apple Charlotte!  
NIKKI: Bad move. It gave me stomach cramps till three.  
BOTH: Look, slutty! I’ll fill your mouth up with putty  
To stop you bitchin’ in the kitchen in the morning   
And again in the night.

NIKKI: Gaskell! You fancy that old rascal!  
MEENA: Jealous, ‘cause he will only look at ME!  
BOTH: Look, slutty, etc.

(Frieda comes into the room and boxes both their ears.)  
FRIEDA: Coats on! Work in fifteen minutes. Although with Manic Meena driving it will be a lot quicker… but will we live to tell the tale?  
(She drags them both outside by the ear, then holds Meena’s ear in her teeth to stop her running off while she locks the door.)

MEENA: Owwww!  
FRIEDA: Shut it!

(She drags them to the car by the ears.)

END OF SCENE ONE

 

SCENE TWO  
RECEPTION, HOLBY GENERAL

(The Trainees plod through smugly, singing to the tune of “Daydream” by the Lovin’ Spoonful.)

TRAINEES: Today will go like a daydream.  
Looks like Dom gave Lofty one more chance,  
He’ll be too scared to nag us,  
So we’ll lead the boy a merry dance.  
‘Cause Dom cannot stand him so we’ll feel no guilt,  
Dear Dommy will back us all to the hilt,  
While Benjie will keep his trap firmly zipped,  
Hey! We could shove him and then claim that he   
Tripped!  
La la la, etc.

(Dom and Lofty arrive together but crafty Dom stands back a little to see if the trainees step out of line.)  
TRAINEE ONE: (Shoving Lofty in the back.) How’s it going, Benjy-baby?  
TRAINEE TWO: They must be short for real nurses eh?  
DOM: (Striding through like an avenging fury.) Don’t you talk to Nurse Chiltern like that again! Now show him some respect or you can toddle back to Jobcentre Plus.  
(Lofty beams at him with a lovesick expression that would have made Dom want to beat him senseless a couple of days ago.)  
LOFTY: (Softly.) Shall we announce we’re an item now, darling?  
DOM: Let’s just wait a bit and see if anything more dramatic happens. We don’t want upstaging, do we?  
Frieda drags Nikki and Meena through reception. Gaskell bobs up from behind a computer, scaring everybody.)  
GASKELL: Meena, your ear’s very red. And you’re late.  
MEENA: I’m sorry. I wanted to come out earlier but Nikki wanted to watch more Daytime TV.  
GASKELL: (Ignoring her attempt to drop Nikki in it.) You have A CAR?  
MEENA: Yes. A big one.  
GASKELL: (To himself.) Hypnosis. Accident. Me to the rescue… or not. Roxanna’s on my death list but it all depends if she’s prepared to be nice to me. (Aloud.) Well done, Melia. Now I need a lab assistant. I shall choose one in the usual way.  
MEENA: Competetive exam?  
NIKKI: Work shadowing for a week?  
GASKELL: (Smiling which makes him look more evil.) Eeny Meenie. Or on this case Eenie Meena.  
(He moves his finger from Nikki to Meena slowly and chants:)  
GASKELL: Roses are red, violets are blue,  
I need an assistant  
And I’m choosing YOU.  
(His finger is pointing at Meena and he nods at her.)  
GASKELL: Nikki, you’re still on Ward Boring.  
(Sacha looks hurt.)  
GASKELL: Meena, you start work in my lab tomorrow. You need to be there at half past seven in the morning, scrubbed and ready.)  
(Meena curtseys to him. There’s a giant scream from the double doors and in rushes Essie, her face pale.)  
ESSIE: (Wailing.) IcheckedmybankaccountandIhadsixtymillionpoundsbeforeandnowthere’sfiftypeeleft.  
SACHA: I’ll go to the police station with you.  
GASKELL: That will not be necessary. I shall pay your rent, Essie, and buy you lots of groceries. Then I shall go to the police myself. They’re more likely to believe a walking death’s head like me than a cuddly teddy bear. And it was sixty thousand pounds-  
SACHA: HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?  
GASKELL: Essie told us all in the pub, Mr Suspicious. Essie, to make it up to you, you shall work in my lab. Off you toddle there with Meena at once.  
(Essie and Meena toddle.)  
GASKELL: (Aside.) Things are working out so well. Maybe I won’t harm Roxanna after all-  
(But this is thwarted by Roxanna and Hanssen coming joyfully into reception together and singing – sorry this is really scraping the bottom of the barrel- to the tune of “No Two People Have Ever Been So In Love.”)

ROXANNA: No one person have ever fulfilled a need,  
Fulfilled a need, fulfilled a need,  
No two people have ever fulfilled a need  
Like my giant Swede and I!

HANSSEN: No one woman has ever melted my socks,  
Melted my socks,  
Melted my socks,  
Melted my socks,  
No one woman has ever melted my socks.  
Like that Foxy Rox last night.

BOTH: And when we kiss, and when we kiss,   
It’s historical! It’s hysterical! It’s divine!  
FRIEDA: (Aside.) I need a big stiff drink!

ROXANNA:} No two people have ever loved in the night,  
HANSSEN:} Loved in the night, loved in the night,  
ROXANNA: No one person has put up less of a fight  
Than my giant Swede last night! 

(Gaskell clenches his fists. Hanssen announces.)  
HANSSEN: My dear friends, Roxanna and I are engaged! Drinks at Albie’s tonight. Dominic, you looked as if you had something to tell us all before.  
DOM:) Oh its nothing serious Mr Hanssen.  
LOFTY:) We just wanted to wish Mr Gaskell success in his new job here. And how thrilled we are about Ms McDonald and Mr Hanssen.  
GASKELL: What a kind boy. (Aside.) Who is this tousle-headed twit?   
FRIEDA: (To Dom and Lofty, under her breath.) Meet me in Pulses at 2pm – emergency operations permitting.  
DOM: Of course. See you there. Come on, Ben, let’s make these trainees work for a change!  
(They walk off with the trainees who are now terrified to say anything back to either of them. Gaskell comes to the centre of reception and talks with nobody else hearing him like they do in musicals.)

GASKELL: This is the end! I wanted that woman! Now all I have left is my vengeful deception in which I take people into my confidence like dear silly Essie, and make them an accessory to patient murder! So I shall ensure by hypnosis and stealth that Roxanna becomes a patient and falls into my clutches! If I can’t have her that Swedish Twerp can’t either! Ha ha ha!  
(He is suddenly shown in eerie green lighting.)  
GASKELL: Stop this! This is not panto, I tell you! It is nothing like panto! But once Roxanna’s dealt with, I shall be the fairest of them all!

END OF SCENE TWO


	8. SCENES THRE AND FOUR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet the lovesick Leah this time. But she's no match for Bernie...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual thank you for all your lovely comments. Warning: mention of extreme violence.

SCENE THREE  
PULSES, LATER THAT DAY

(Frieda and Lofty are having organic smoothies. Dom is enjoying a Triple Mocha Caramel Coconut Calorie Trap. Just because he CAN.)  
FRIEDA: I will put it plainly. I do not trust Gaskell. I think he means to cause Roxanna to have a horrible accident and then kill her because he is jealous of her involvement with Hanssen. Or jealous of Hanssen’s involvement with her. I am not sure which way round this works yet.  
DOM: Oh Frieda, how far-fetched.  
FRIEDA: It is not far-fetched to my mind. Now will you help me?  
LOFTY: Depends what you want.  
FRIEDA: Try to get a job in Gaskell’s Lavatory.  
DOM: Urgh!  
FRIEDA: I mean laboratory. Then you spy on him. You will work for me although I shall pay you nothing. You shall be my eyes and ears.  
DOM: Boring.  
FRIEDA: Eyes and ears are not boring. Listen.  
(She sings. Sorry, another old song. This is to the tune of You Need Hands - Malcolm McLaren’s version is best as he’s clearly taking the -!)  
FRIEDA: You need eyes to read your Harry Potter.  
You need ears to hear your heavy rock.  
When a day at work is long and boring,  
You need eyes so you can watch the clock.  
You need eyes to roll at sexy doctors,  
You need ears to hear your mobile too.  
DOM: I need eyes to read your secret diary,  
FRIEDA: And you’ll need ears to hear me whacking you.

(They do a rather corny dance and are aware that there’s a female with short blonde hair watching them.)  
FRIEDA: YES? Speak, stranger.  
STRANGER: I am Leah Faulkner and I have come to work at Holby to be near Serena Campbell, who I have a massive crush on.  
FRIEDA: Do you now? You must meet Berenice Wolfe.  
LEAH: Who?  
FRIEDA: (Smugly.) Her lover. Her army-trained, reckless lover.  
LEAH: Why does this always happen to me? WHY?  
FRIEDA: I will strike a bargain with you. You will ask to work in Gaskell’s laboratory. You will make secret notes about everything he does. You do this and I will not tell Berenice – Bayonet Berenice as she’s called in some circles – that you’re wanting to be Lebsions with her lover.  
LEAH: Do I have a choice?  
FRIEDA: Alas, no. Ain’t life a bitch?  
LOFTY: Do you still need us, Frieda?  
FRIEDA: Oh yes. With three of you there will always be somebody around on days off. By the way Dom, that coffee of yours is likely to give you a coronary.  
DOM: Me have a coronary! HO! HA!  
(Ominous music plays. But the four of them walk out of Pulses happily enough.)

END OF SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR  
THE WET LAB, LATER THAT DAY

(Leah is in the wet lab while supposedly keeping an eye on the equipment. She sings to the tune of “Mooning” from Grease:)

LEAH: I spend my days just mooning over her,  
All over her,  
I’m in a haze just dreaming  
Of Serenurrrrr!  
Of Serenurrr!

Stuff that Bernie Wolfe, she’s never coming back  
I’ll shout it from the roof, I don’t care if I get the sack!  
Why must I go on mooning all alone,  
So all alone!

Maybe I’ll just ask Gaskell  
To make me a Serena clone!  
Here I am, a lovesick tart,  
LEAH: Just slowly ripping out my heart  
And mooning, too.

(Bernie suddenly bobs up from behind the lab counter. She sings to “Black and White”.)

BERNIE: I’m back in action and I’m not happy here,  
I want to know what you  
Think you’re doing, dear.  
Now I’m not big on horoscopes  
But I see a change a-coming for you.  
Just keep your paws off my Serena  
Or I’m going to kick you black and blue.

Off you go whining, sell your tale to the Sun.  
I’ve got a fight technique that’s second to none.  
I go straight for the jugular  
And it’s true, I’ll make a real mess of you.  
Come within ten yards of my woman  
And these fists will leave you black and blue,

It’s black! It’s blue! And I’ll make mincemeat of you.  
It’s black! It’s blue! It’s big and coming for you! Etc.

 

(One of the test tubes explodes near Leah’s head. She screams as the lights all go out. When light is restored there’s poor Leah totally bald and weeping. Bernie throws her an old Beanie and walks out in triumph leaving Leah gibbering with fear and rage.)

END OF SCENE FOUR


	9. SCENES FIVE SIX SEVEN AND EIGHT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oooh.... it's the dreaded car scene. But what will happen this time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Threats of violence. As usual. Thanks to everybody for their continued support.

SCENE FIVE  
HANSSEN’S OFFICE

(Hanssen and Roxanna are interviewing Dom and Lofty for a position in Gaskell’s Laboratory.)  
ROXANNA: Okay, Dom. Why do you especially want to work in the lab?  
DOM: It’s an opportunity to learn more about the fascinating work that Professor Gaskell does and be part of his amazing project.  
ROXANNA: And you, Ben?  
LOFTY: I just want to support Dom in this opportunity.   
HANSSEN: But I always thought you were happier on the ward helping people, Ben. I’ve had some glowing reports of how kind you’ve been to patients. Why the change?  
(Lofty hesitates. He can hardly answer “Because Frieda’s making us spy on Gaskell.”)  
HANSSEN: (Wagging his finger at him.) Love’s a wonderful thing, Ben, but I hope this isn’t just so you can be near to your boyfriend all day.  
(Gaskell bursts into the room. He has a box of badges.)  
GASKELL: I’ll have them.  
(He gets two badges from the box and pins them very meticulously on Lofty and Dom.)  
GASKELL: There’s a bonus to this job, boys. You get a free flu jab too, You’re not scared of a little prick, are you?  
DOM: I’m not scared of any little prick and I’ve worked for several in my time.  
(Hanssen can’t help snorting with laughter.)  
GASKELL: Well that was a very successful interview, well done, boys. Off with you now, go and have a break in Pulses.  
LOFTY: We’ve just had our break thank you Professor Gaskell.  
GASKELL: (Patting his cheek none too gently.) Well go and have another one. Us more important staff have things to discuss in here.  
ROXANNA: (Much more kindly.) Why not go and talk to Mr Levy about his charity plans, lads? I know he wants to do something really big this year. I’ve heard rumours of a Strictly type show. He’s thinking of doing the Paso Doble with Scary Sue.  
DOM: Aww, you’ve got to love Sacha. Come on, Ben.  
(Dom and Lofty go. Gaskell puts on a warm smile which makes him look like an alligator.)  
GASKELL: I was rather hoping you’d be up for doing the Paso Doble with me for the charity event, Roxanna.  
ROXANNA: I don’t think so, John. Sorry. Henrik and I are going to do our own routine.  
HANSSEN: (Delighted.) Are we? I mean, we are indeed.  
ROXANNA: Let’s demonstrate.  
(Hanssen and Roxanna dance a Paso Doble and sing to Via La Vida:)

ROXANNA: We two could rule the world,  
When Henrik’s dancing with his girl.  
We could raise tons of cash,  
While dancing with such panache.

HANSSEN: Sacha and Scary Sue  
Won’t have anything on me and you!  
How the Directors’ Board  
Would approve the changes to the ward!

ROXANNA: Oh I love charity, dancing’s delightful for  
Both you and me.   
Dig deep in your pockets, John,  
And tell the news to everyone!

BOTH: We could buy a defibrillator!  
HANSSEN: I’ll tell Lofty about that later!  
With our skillful and sexy movement,  
We could pay for so much improvement,  
BOTH: For some reason we can’t explain,  
We feel Jac Naylor will cheer our name.  
As round that floor we whirl,  
Our dancing’s gonna rule the world!

(They dance out. Gaskell sings to the same tune.)

GASKELL: When I triumph I’ll show no pity  
To these losers from Holby City,  
I’ll go and I’ll seek out that Frieda  
And I’ll strangle the little bl**der.  
For some reason I won’t explain  
Hanssen’s dreams will go down the drain!  
Oh I’ll destroy them all,  
And then I’ll rule this hospital!

(The audience boos loudly.)

GASKELL: Awwww, shut your pie holes!

 

END OF SCENE FIVE

SCENE SIX  
PULSES, LATER THAT DAY

(And it looks as if everybody’s caught the Strictly Charity Show Bug. Jac and Fletch are doing a Flamenco on one of the tables. Donna and Jason are doing a tango in a corner. And, under cover of all this noise, Lofty and Dom are telling Frieda their suspicions.)  
DOM: He’s just bought sixty thousand pound’s worth of equipment for his lab. Essie was wailing the other day about having sixty thousand pounds stolen from her bank account. What does that mean to you?  
FRIEDA: Well it is either a huge coincidence or Gaskell is a thief.  
LOFTY: He’s got a really strange machine at the back of that lab as well. I asked about it and he said it was a cunningly disguised Nexpresso machine. I don’t think Nexpresso machines have scientific formulas flashing across a screen, do they?  
FRIEDA: You must continue to watch his every move, boys.  
DOM: Oh and really trivial. Ethan Hardy was in the lab with him the other day. Ethan told Gaskell he didn’t want anything to do with Gaskell’s nasty experiments. Gaskell backed him into a corner and said he KNEW about Scott Ellisson. Ethan’s offered to work there on his days off. What do you think all that means?  
FRIEDA: It means that yet again the scriptwriters have failed to make Ethan Hardy face up to what he did to Scott Ellisson. Well done, boys. Soon we shall have enough information on Gaskell to get him struck off!  
LOFTY: We think that nice Ms Macmillan knows something as well but she’s either too loved up with Hanssen to do much about it. Or she’s collecting evidence like us.  
DOM: Oh just one more thing. Gaskell’s told us we have to have flu jabs now we’re on his team. Don’t you think that’s sinister?  
FRIEDA: (Glaring at them.) No. Just paranoid.  
(And, thanks to those clever people in the technical department, we now see Gaskell in his office as well as the scene in Pulses.)  
GASKELL:…. I KNEW Chiltern and Copeland were spying on me! Well, their loss. Those flu jabs will make sure they don’t spy on anybody else ever. But now for Meena!  
(A tap at the door.)  
GASKELL: Come in, Meena, dear.

END OF SCENE SEVEN

SCENE EIGHT  
GASKELL’S LABORATORY, SECONDS LATER

(Meena is lying on a couch being hypnotised. Gaskell sings to the tune of The Road To Nowhere.)

GASKELL: Now you know where you’re going,  
And I think you have it clear.  
You’re going driving, Meena,  
When you walk back out of here.  
When you see Roxy walking  
You’ll hit her from behind.  
You’ll be done for manslaughter,  
You’re a minion, so never mind.

You’re on the road to nowhere,  
And so is Rox.  
I’m just so full of venom  
I really should detox.  
You’re my best friend this morning  
But you know,  
You’re on the road to ruin,  
Off you go, off you go.  
(Meena walks out like a zombie. Gaskell smiles his alligator grin. Are we scared yet?)

END OF SCENE SEVEN

SCENE EIGHT  
OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL

(Meena is driving very dangerously. Fletch runs out of the way with a squeak of fear. Roxanna, who is still worrying about what she knows about Gaskell, is walking along distracted. Meena heads straight for her-  
\- And Jac, who just happens to be walking by, grabs Roxanna by the collar and pulls her free. Meena crashes into a litter bin. Her car’s done for but Meena’s fine.)

JAC: Roxanna, what were you thinking?  
ROXANNA: Jac! You saved my life!  
JAC: Now don’t go all soppy on me or I’ll have to punch you. But just for the record-  
(She sings to “Got Your Back” from the stage version of Aladdin.)

JAC: Let’s be absolutely clear.  
You were in a dream.  
What HAS Hanssen done to you?  
Well, forgive me if I sing,  
You two are a Big Thing,  
And it’s made you drop that cool veneer.

Well… you help me and I’ll help you.  
Cause I’m having my suspicions too,  
Say ain’t it great to know that Jac has got your back?

We’ll sort Meena in one second,  
When I’ve sung this little verse,  
That I’ll help you and you’ll help me,  
We’ll break into that laboratory,  
Say ain’t it good to know that Jac has got your back?

ROXANNA: Oooh, I always knew that I could trust you, lass.  
JAC: Oooh, stop gushing, woman or I’ll kick your *ss.  
BOTH: Oooh, we’ll help each other, fair is fair,  
Oooh, cross our hearts and double pinky swear!  
(Looking at each other and speaking.)  
Urgh! No way!

BOTH: Ohhhhh ain’t it good to know Jac Naylor’s got your back! Etc.  
JAC: (To Meena, who is standing groggily beside them.) You’re fired.  
ROXANNA: Aww, give her one more chance. (Cheerfully.) She’ll be up in court about this, anyway.  
(They dance off, singing ‘Got your back’, leaving Meena snivelling.)

END OF SCENE EIGHT


	10. ACT TWO SCENES NINE TO TWELVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As usual I'm so grateful for the comments and Kudos.
> 
> Leah goes too far and so does Gaskell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild implied violence and one incident of real violence.

SCENE NINE  
PULSES, TWO DAYS LATER

(Hanssen is singing to Roxanna to ‘Frankie, Do You Remember Me’ by Sister Sledge. Frieda, disguised as a coat stand, is recording every word.)

HANSSEN: My love I have to go away,  
On urgent business – Roxy say you’ll remember  
Me.  
When I come back I’ll bring a ring,  
A special ring belonging to my mum.  
We’re more than just two people flung together.  
I have to leave you-  
Roxy, say you’ll remember me.  
Roxy, say you’ll remember.

I’ll come home and then you’ll see  
What I’ll do for the lady that I love.  
I never love anyone this much.  
Look at me, I’m shaking so much.

(He spills his coffee. A grumpy member of staff makes tutting noises. Roxanna slaps her hands. Frieda records it all.)

HANSSEN: Roxy, will you remember me?

(They dance round Pulses. The manager comes to throw them out. Hanssen picks him up bodily and stands him in the waste paper bin. Frieda keeps on recording.)

END OF SCENE NINE

 

SCENE TEN  
GASKELL’S OFFICE

(And now Gaskell has that nice Jasmine Burrows doing his dirty work for him although she’s completely innocent about everything. He has a line of people queueing for their flu jabs, and he’s singing to the tune of T Rex’s Metal Guru.)

GASKELL: (As a smiling Jasmine injects Sacha.)

Flu jab for you! Beat the flu!  
Flu jab for you! Beat the flu.  
Watch your health, you owe it to yourself,  
Oh yeah!  
Flu jab for you! Beat the flu!  
(Jasmine injects Zosia and Ollie, Jason, Berena and Donna. He sees Lofty and Dom in the queue and says to Jasmine:)  
GASKELL: Jasmine, my dear. Ben and Dominic need a different colour flu jab. They have special blood. Use the two syringes from the purple box.  
JASMINE: (Aside.) All my medical instincts tell me something is wrong but I’m scared of Gas Kill so I’ll do as he says. But I feel bad about it.  
JASON: Why do Ben and Dom have to have special ones, Mr Gasbag?

(Gaskell drags him out of the queue and into a corner.)  
GASKELL: Jason, would you like your Auntie Serena to be drowned in a big vat of Shiraz?  
JASON: (Along with half the audience who’ve heard the joke before.) She’d get out five times to have a wee first! (Speaking alone.) But I wouldn’t like her to be drowned. I love Auntie Serena.  
GASKELL: Then not a word to anybody about Ben and Dom. It’s super new technology and we don’t want the bandits stealing the serum, do we now?  
(Jason shakes his head earnestly and leaves the room. Fletch’s horrid kids Evie and Mikey walk in and join the queue. Soon they’re at the front.)  
JASMINE: Evie! Mikey! What are you doing out of school?  
MIKEY: We’ve forgot our way back there.  
JASMINE: Well, we’re mega-busy at the moment. Why not – er – run over to A and E and see if David Hide has any treats for you in his bum bag?  
(They run off, eyes bulging with greed.)  
EVIE: (On the way out.) He had a lovely horror comic last time.  
(Ben and Dom join the queue. When they reach Jasmine, she gives them the injections. Sinister music plays.)  
DOM: OWWW! Jasmine, that hurt a lot. Why did we have different ones from the others?  
JASMINE: (Putting on a brave smile.) Because you have special blood, boys. Put your hand out, Ben, love.  
(Lofty does and gives a little cry of pain at the injection.)  
JASMINE: Now don’t be a baby, Ben.  
GASKELL: Oh, you two. Approach.  
(Lofty and Dom approach him cautiously.)   
GASKELL: I need you to take these very secret wallets down to the basement in the lift. Mr Hanssen himself will meet you when you get there. Off you go now.  
(They go, looking bemused, while Jasmine looks even more worried. Evie and Mikey come running back, pale and shaky.)  
JASMINE: What’s wrong, kids? Didn’t David have anything in his bum bag today?  
EVIE: (Sobbing.) Y-yes.  
JASMINE: What was it?  
MIKEY: A severed finger that he’d forgotten to throw away. (Blubbering.) We want to go to school.  
(An invisible choir begins to sing the Hallelujah chorus as Sacha steers Evie and Mikey out to the car park.)

END OF SCENE TEN

 

SCENE ELEVEN

INSIDE THE LIFT

(Lofty and Dom step into the lift, and are just about to go into the basement when Leah comes running into the lift.)  
DOM: My, you’re in a hurry, Leah! What floor?  
LEAH: (Pressing all the buttons in a frenzy.) ALL OF THEM!  
(She sings to the tune of Chris Rea’s The Road To Hell.)

LEAH: Well Serena doesn’t want me,  
Bernie’s baying for my blood,  
My soul’s full of all the demons you can think of.  
So we’re heading for the basement?  
Let’s go further down below!  
Till we wallow in the muck down in the sewers.  
And that Bernie’s love of violence  
Means she’ll tear me limb from limb.  
So let’s go where rats and snakes and vermin dwell.  
This ain’t no technological breakdown,  
(Cackling maniacally.)  
This is the lift to HELL!

(The lift crashes to the ground. Lofty and Dom, already weakened by the so-called flu jabs, hug each other as it plummets.)  
LEAH: (Screaming like a banshee and dancing madly up and down.) Judgement daaaaaaay!  
(The scene blacks out.)

END OF SCENE ELEVEN

SCENE TWELVE

OUTSIDE THE LIFT, SECONDS LATER

(Two maintenance men force the lift doors open and gasp in horror. Leah is fine but looking very guilty. Lofty and Dom are lying on the floor holding hands and it’s not looking good. Sacha rushes up. Leah wriggles out through the semi-open doors.)  
SACHA: DOM? BEN?  
LEAH: (Singing to the tune of I Don’t Know How To Love Him:)

LEAH: I didn’t mean to kill them,  
They just died when the lift crashed,  
Their hearts gave out,  
Or else their brains.  
And I’ve seen some accidents before  
In many different ways,  
Now here’s one more!  
SACHA: What do you mean, you didn’t mean to kill them, vermin?  
LEAH: I was upset because Serena wouldn’t be lesbians with me so I tried to make the lift crash to k-kill myself. And then I didn’t die. But they did.  
(Frieda comes over to look.)  
FRIEDA: (Aside.) This is all my fault for making them spy on Gaskell. He has found out… and given them lethal injections instead of flu jabs.  
(Sacha grabs Leah by the collar and says to Ric Griffin:)  
SACHA: Is there a dungeon in this hospital? Come to think of it, is there a Guillotine in this hospital? Off with Leah’s head!  
FRIEDA: (Aside.) Sacha was very fond of Dom.  
(Sacha sings to I’ll Never Fall In Love Again by Bobbie Gentry. (Look it up on YouTube if you’d like.)

SACHA: What will Leah get when Jac hears of this?  
Dismissed in a flash without a reference.  
Leah being drowned would be my preference,  
(To Leah.) You’ll never work in here again.

FRIEDA: What do you get when you snoop and spy?  
Your conscience is wracked with grief and sorrow,  
Our lovely gays won’t see tomorrow,   
They’ll never need the lift again. 

SACHA: (To Leah.) Don’t dare to look so proud and vexed.  
The cops are on their way - I sent a text.  
They’ll arrive, and use handcuffs to bind you.  
Look at the chaos you’re leaving behind you!

ALL: How do we feel at a time like this?  
Our hearts are all broken up and battered.  
Now we’ve lost those two, our world is shattered.  
They’ll never need the lift again,  
They’ll never need the lift again.

(General despair. Two police officers arrive and Sacha drags Leah over to them.)

END OF SCENE TWELVE  
END OF ACT TWO


	11. Act Three, scenes one, two and three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... will Gaskell triumph? Will Hanssen come home too late? We shall see...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to reinforce what I've said in the chapter. This is just fantasy and isn't meant to criticise anybody else's religious views.

ACT THREE  
SCENE ONE  
ROXANNA’S BEDROOM, NEXT EVENING

(Roxanna is having a quiet night in. She’s snuggled up in bed, with a sexy floaty nightie on, and is reading a book, on which she can’t concentrate because she’s unhappy. She sings to the tune of “Something In the Air” by Thunderclap Newman:)

ROXANNA: Call the administrators,  
For there’s something in the air,  
Gaskell is up to evil,  
Oh I wish my man was here.  
It just doesn’t feel right,  
It just doesn’t feel right.

Call out the fleet and army,  
For there’s something in the air,  
I’m sure that Gaskell’s barmy,  
And we’re all close to despair,  
It just doesn’t feel right,  
It just doesn’t feel right.

(A window shatters. Gaskell leaps through and into the bedroom.)  
GASKELL: Hello, bitch!  
ROXANNA: John, that’s quite rude.  
GASKELL: Oh, relax, woman – this should help!  
(He puts a chloroform pad over her mouth.)  
ROXANNA: (In a beautiful soprano voice.) Mmmmrrrrrrffffff?  
(She collapses, unconscious.)  
GASKELL: This is going to ruin Hanssen’s holiday! No more sitting in saunas having his backside whipped with twigs for HIM! Now, my ransom note!

(He sings to the tune of A Media Luz, which is a gorgeous Argentine tango, and can be found on You Tube. And I like it. A lot. So I’m using it. Only the chorus though.)

GASKELL: (Scribbling as fast as he can.)  
Your precious Roxie’s gone,  
Because today I’ve found  
I need a lot of money-  
I’d guess a thousand pounds.  
And if you don’t pay up  
Within a day or two  
I’m going to saw her limbs off  
And mail them on to you.

(He puts the note into an envelope, which he seals by licking it with his nasty lizardy tongue. He does the same with the stamps and as the mail has to go first-class to Sweden that’s a lot of nasty licking.)

GASKELL: Now to my secret lair  
Beneath the hospital.  
And just wait till I’ve summoned  
Her long tall Swedish pal!  
For when they’re in my grasp-  
A word here to the wise!  
I’ll rig a huge explosion  
And everybody dies!

(He stuffs Roxanna into a sack and climbs out of the window with her.)

GASKELL: (Talking to somebody outside.) Don’t fret, Officer. Just a charity bag that I’m taking to our centre in the hospital to help those poor orphans.  
POLICEMAN: (Almost cooing.) You’re a saint, Professor Gaskell!

END OF SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO  
THE ARRIVALS AREA, HEAVEN

(Huge disclaimer. This is pure fantasy and not meant to offend anybody’s religious views.

A very scared Dom and Lofty, still holding hands, arrive at the check-in desk. Cedric, a kind-looking angel wearing jeans and a sweater, smiles at them.)  
CEDRIC: Ah, Mr Self and Mr Rossini?  
DOM: No, I’m Dominic Copeland and he’s Ben Chiltern.  
(Cedric looks down his list of names and shakes his head.)  
CEDRIC: You two shouldn’t be here.  
(Lofty and Dom look terrified and grip each others’ hands harder.)  
LOFTY: (Sadly.) So it’s true? You send people to hell just for being gay?  
CEDRIC: (Laughing.) Oh you dear silly boy! We don’t send gays to hell – unless you’re bad gays, of course, and have been torturing widows and orphans and things like that?  
DOM: Of course not! But – why shouldn’t we be here?  
CEDRIC: My young friend, you two shouldn’t even be dead. One of our reapers has made a very naughty mistake. Let’s see who…. (calling over to another angel.) Balthasar, sweetie, will you pop down to the offices and get Amira for me?  
BALTHASAR: (Huffing.) You wouldn’t use me as a lackey if I was still in Supernatural!  
CEDRIC: Well you died in episode six, pet. Now, off you go.  
(Balthasar stomps off, making dents in all the clouds.)  
CEDRIC: Now, boys, just take a seat on that couch. While we’re waiting for Amira we’ll have some lovely music from our Junior Choir. (Clapping his hands.) You’re up, kids!  
(A group of stage-struck little angels run into the check-in area and sing. This is The Vaults of Heaven from Whistle Down the Wind.)

ANGEL KIDS: There’s plenty of fun in heaven.  
You can dance in the clouds all day.  
There’s lots of good food in heaven  
But nobody has to pay.  
You can slide down rainbows,  
And juggle stars,  
A theme park that’s all free.  
Some people will never get here  
‘Cause they’ve done such a massive sin.  
So enjoy all your time in heaven  
And thank goodness that you got in!

(After an adorable but somewhat corny dance, they trot out again, as Balthasar comes to the desk with Amira.)  
CEDRIC: Amira, dear, you reaped these two a few days ago.  
AMIRA: Yes, Guy Self and Matteo Rossini.  
CEDRIC: No, Amira, you naughty girl, you brought Mr Copeland and Mr Chiltern here instead.  
AMIRA: Oops.  
CEDRIC: You will say ‘Oops’, Amira. No promotion for you for two months. And you were nearly out of Limbo, weren’t you?  
LOFTY: Could we plead for her? We all make mistakes.  
CEDRIC: But it’s caused chaos, dear boy.  
(He looks at Amira’s sad little face.) Oh, all right. One week. You be very good for this week, Amira, and we’ll see if we can get you back upstairs.  
AMIRA: Thank you. (To Dom and Lofty.) Thank you so much!  
CEDRIC: Now, we’ll just mess with the timeline a little and you can come round safe and well back down on earth, lads.  
(Balthasar comes rushing up.)  
CEDRIC: What does Drama Queen want now?  
BALTHASAR: News from earth. Gaskell is about to do something terrible to Roxanna. He needs to he scared into confessing. If you send these two back as undead spirits for a few moments, then do a Memory Erase, you can scare the whatnot out of Gas Kill and then let these two come back to life again.  
LOFTY: It sounds terribly complicated.  
CEDRIC: We’ll discuss it over a cup of Nectar. Nobody should go back without tasting Nectar. Follow me, lads. (To Amira.) You too, Peabrain.

(A glass lift appears at the back of the check-in area. Cedric leads Lofty, Dom and Amira towards it as it opens. Lofty looks a little scared but Dom helps him in. Genghis Khan creeps up and tries to jump in but Balthasar sees him and drags him out by the scruff of the neck.)  
BALTHASAR: Third time this week, Geng. It’s getting silly, isn’t it? Back downstairs with you.

(The kids sing another chorus as a very unhappy Self and Rossini join the check-in queue. The lift descends.)


	12. ACT THREE SCENES THREE AND FOUR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dofty are safe but is it too late for Roxanna? Are we scared yet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the error in the title of the last chapter. And thank you to anybody who still reads this!

SCENE THREE  
KELLER, DARWIN, WHATEVER WARD, SHORTLY AFTERWARDS

(Frieda and the trainees are singing sadly to the tune of “Some Good Things Never Last.” Can be found on You Tube.)

FRIEDA: It’s ten in the morning, and we’re still upset.  
I’ve drunk far too much last night just trying to   
Forget.  
I’m dreading the future,  
Pissed off with the past.  
No matter how hard we try our good times never   
Last.

TRAINEES: It’s ten in the morning, we’re still feeling shame,  
We used to wind Lofty up, it seemed such a good   
Game.  
Then he and Dom copped it,  
And we were aghast.  
No matter how hard they try, the nice guys finish   
Last.

FRIEDA: It’s ten in the morning, my make-up has run.  
I ought to control myself and try to get stuff done,  
One day we’ll stop grieving, get rid of the past.  
No matter how hard we try, our good times never   
Last.

(Gaskell struts in and yells at them.)

GASKELL: This is a hospital! There are lives to save.   
TRAINEE: Who died and made you God?  
(He realises what he’s said and claps his hand to his mouth. Frieda hisses at him angrily.)  
GASKELL: Henrik Hanssen is still in Sweden. Jac Naylor is having… (He growls in disgust.) … Annual Leave. Roxanna Macmillan has disappeared without having the courtesy of leaving as much as a note. Therefore, you will all do what I tell you. (Clapping his hands.) Back to work!  
(Sacha enters. His eyes are still red but he says politely to Gaskell.)  
SACHA: I’m sure I can handle the trainees, John.  
GASKELL: This ward does not need a big, cuddly old teddy bear! This ward needs AN IRON FIST!  
SACHA: John, you can be really nasty, you know that?

(Suddenly, to eerie music, Dom and Lofty appear, looking very pale and transparent. The trainees cling together in terror. Gaskell looks taken aback, then really scared as Dom and Lofty speak in their normal voices.)  
DOM: Sacha, Frieda, Trainees. You’re safe. We bear you no malice.   
LOFTY: We love you all. (His eyes going steely.) It’s Gaskell we’ve come for.  
(The music stops being scary and goes into “Santa Baby.”)

DOM} Gasky-baby,  
LOFTY:} You went and did us in with a prick – that’s sick,  
Been a very bad boy, Gasky-baby,  
You’re going down the chimney tonight.

Gasky-baby, you’ve murdered lots of patients before,  
What for?  
Gasky-baby, you’re going somewhere hotter tonight.

You found out Hanssen fancied Rox,  
Now you’ve got her prisoner in a big black box.  
You’ve injected patients with a kind of pox,  
Now you’re off to flames so hot  
That you’ll detox.

Gasky-Baby, just wait till Henrik comes back tonight-  
That’s right!  
Gasky-Baby, you’ll be running from the hellhounds  
Tonight!

GASKELL: Go on, then. Kill me. You’ll not be able to. You’re too soft!  
DOM: Gaskarino! What a suggestion. We don’t need to kill you-  
LOFTY: All we need to do is put our cold dead hands on you… like that…  
(He slaps Gaskell’s cheek a few times. Gaskell screams. Suddenly the floor opens up, revealing a bubbling hot liquid beneath. A statue of Roxanna appears, holding out her hand and pointing towards the floor.)  
GASKELL: You! You- you’re not dead! I’ve got you prisoner – you can’t be free!  
ROXANNA: True, John. I’m merely projecting myself across time and space. In reality I’m still locked up in that horrible basement. You’ve set up a bomb to detonate in just over an hour, and I’ll be blown to bits and pieces if Hanssen can’t figure out where I am in time. You even sent him a singing ransom note down the phone! Now jump in!  
VOICE: NO!  
(Hanssen strides in, bearing a big carrier bag with “A Present From Sweden” on it.)  
HANSSEN: Roxy, darling, I know you’re not really there! But I can’t have him just jumping in like that. I shall throw him into the hot liquid myself!  
ROXANNA: (Sadly.) Time’s up! I have to go… good luck with finding me, Henrik!  
(The vision of her fades.)  
HENRIK: Fight, you bag of offal!   
GASKELL: Die, you long streak of Swedish tripe!  
(Exciting music plays. Hanssen and Gaskell sing to Devil Take The Hindmost. Yes I know we’ve had this song once. I’m giving it to you again because I’m so generous.)

GASKELL: Ugly Swede!  
HANSSEN: Twisted sod!  
GASKELL: I shall win!  
HANSSEN: Win, my arse!  
GASKELL: I shall jab! I shall tear!  
HANSSEN: Devil take you, Gas Bag!

Lofty and Dom vanish again. Hanssen and Gaskell fight with scalpels. It looks as if Gaskell has the lead – but then Hanssen gives a crafty Tai Chi kick to Gaskell’s lower leg, knocking him off-balance and into the hot liquid. He dissolves, screaming. Hooray for Tai Chi.)  
GASKELL: (Screaming.) You’ll be too late to save Roxannaaaaaaa….  
(He dissolves completely.)  
FRIEDA: (In a bored voice.) Well that was fun.  
HANSSEN: Now, Frieda. Do not be negative. We are going to have a big, sparkly finale to this scene!  
(He snaps his fingers and everybody is dressed in Silver and White Top hats and tails. Hanssen sings happily to the tune of Roxie, from Chicago:)

HANSSEN: The lady that I’m going to save  
Is beautiful Roxie!  
She’s been so steadfast, good and brave,  
I’ll get you out, Roxie!  
She’s gonna be a celebrity,  
When I sell our story to the press.  
They’re gonna recognise her hair, her face,  
And oooh, her low-cut dress!  
I’ll search the country till you’re found,  
My beautiful Roxie!  
I shall not even stop to pack.  
And who, in case she isn’t dead  
Is coming with me to my big bed?  
Roxie Mac!

FRIEDA: He’ll save the real love of his life,  
His wonderful Roxie!  
She’ll be so proud to be his wife,  
And Gaskell’s just poxy.  
And they’ll appear in Hello magazine,  
In a gorgeous house in Kew!  
Here a room! There a room!  
Everywhere a swanky room!  
With velvet cushions in the loo.

HANSSEN: I’ll get her free from her hell hole,  
My beautiful Roxie!  
I’ll search until the night is black.  
And Ethan Hardy’ll sulk, I know,  
His Facebook likes are far below  
Roxie Mac!  
(He rushes off to search for Roxanna.)  
SACHA: Well, the cuddly old teddy bear’s in charge for now, so, let’s do it, guys. We still have lives to save! Dom and Lofty would want it this way.  
(They all split up and go about their duties to various points in the hospital.)

 

END OF SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR  
OUTSIDE THE LIFT, ONE DAY AGO

(Cedric, smiling benignly, comes up to the people who are waiting by the lift. He’s performed his Time Adjustment, as promised.)  
CEDRIC: Don’t panic, people. I’m just a mechanic sent by – er – the Agency. Now, let me just try….  
(He prises the doors gently and they open. Lofty and Dom come out, a little nervous, but holding hands and looking relieved to be out. Leah comes out looking contrite. Sacha grabs her by the collar.)  
SACHA: Those two could have died in there!  
LEAH: (Petulantly.) So could I.  
SACHA: You wanted to though. You didn’t, did you, boys?  
DOM: Absolutely not. We’ve got a wedding to plan, haven’t we, Lofty?  
LOFTY: We have!  
SACHA: That’s great boys, but just half an hour to recover yourselves please, and then back on the ward. Busy day!  
DOM: You got it. Come on, Ben, let’s have a coffee.


	13. SCENE FIVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Inspiration had run a bit dry and then I found some in the strangest place. The chilling (okay quite boring really) end of the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everybody for the reviews and Kudos and again, apologies for the delay. Warning: Fantasy violence.

SCENE FIVE  
THE BLACK LABORATORY

(Roxanna is down in the Black Laboratory, Gaskell’s secret lair, still unconscious, and the clock is ticking. Suddenly Hanssen comes leaping in and throws himself on the bomb device which merely makes a – sorry about this – little fart sound and does nothing. A ghastly voice comes from the device. The voice is obviously Gaskell’s despite his just having dissolved in an earlier scene.)

GASKELL: Hello bitches. If you’re hearing my voice that means I’m dead. I lied about the bomb… there never was a bomb. I just wanted to trick Hanssen into coming to this laboratory so that my real creation can devour him and his precious Roxanna, who will awaken just in time to suffer. (Shouting.) FIDO!  
(A terrifying creature bounds across the laboratory. It has the body of a giant dog and the head of a Hippogriff. It makes for Roxanna. But, with his wonderful intuition, Hanssen just knows that the giant golden scalpel in the glass case has a meaning. He smashes the case, not caring that it cuts his hand, and grabs the scalpel. As Fido is about to eat Roxanna, Hanssen stabs it in the back several times. It rolls over and dies. Roxanna comes to.)  
GASKELL: (Wailing.) FIDOOOOOOO!  
HANSSEN: Oh shut up. You are dead anyway.  
The evil laboratory fills with bright light as Sacha, Essie, Dom, Lofty and all the Trainees come running in. They are cheering.)  
SACHA: Do the song, Henrik!  
HANSSEN: It’s a really stupid song.  
ROXANNA: (In her most seductive voice.) Do it for me, Giant Swede!  
(So, sorry about this – Hanssen sings to Abba’s “When I Kissed The Teacher.)

HANSSEN: Everybody cheered when I killed the creature.  
It felt really weird when I killed the creature.  
But it threatened Rox,   
It would have gobbled her up and just left her socks,  
She was petrified but I had good upon my side  
So I killed the creature.  
All the staff went wild  
As I held my breath the world stood still and then my Roxie  
Smiled,  
When I killed the creature.

TRAINEES: What a mad day,   
We’re not sure what happened but that’s all right,  
What a mad day,  
Going down to Albie’s to get out of our skulls tonight.

HANSSEN: All the room went wild,  
As I held my breath the world stood still,  
But then my Roxie smiled,  
When I killed the creature!

(Bernie and Serena come in.)  
BERNIE:} What a cr*p day,   
SERENA:} But that Leah twit’s gone so it has to be all right.  
LOFTY:} What a cr*p day,  
DOM:} We’ll make up for it at home in bed tonight!

ESSIE: And that lost amount  
Has found its way back in my bank account  
Since you killed the creature!

(Everybody dances round the lab, and outside. And, thanks to the wonders of technology, we see everybody dancing in the grounds. Even Dervla manages a few steps on her hind legs and – I’m saying this very slowly because it’s so hard to believe – DYLAN-BURSTS-OUT-LAUGHING.)

END OF SCENE FIVE  
THE END


End file.
